school van for anisha (one way to school only)
anisha has started going to school with the school van since tuesday. that's 4 days now. first day, she had no time to react because the van was already waiting for her downstairs. and when i picked her up from school that day, she didn't protest violently about the adventure earlier.
second day, she cried. perhaps due to the combination of me leaving her to the van aunty & the unfortunate fact that the very noisy rubbish truck happened to be doing it's daily extraction at that time. during her evening bath later that day, one time she'd say "i DON'T want the school bus tomorrow!" & the next she'd say "i WANT to take the school bus tomorrow to school & i want to take the train when i go home with mummy!"
the third day, she was casual about it. in fact she went into the van willingly & happily. so brave like a big girl. it helped when she heard me tell the aunty "aunty, it's ok if you don't talk to her so much because she is shy, sorry ah". me paiseh (embarrassed) but she, the little princess, happy. sigh.
fourth day, she was like a pro. in fact, i think, taking the school van has helped her with her confidence & independence level. now, i hope she will like taking the school van for 2 months more. hmmmm.....
getting together & closure
ben & his parents arrived here in Sg on wednesday (8th july) for a visit. on thursday, mimi & ipah brought them to sulas' grave & then later in the afternoon they went back to hougang to visit mum...according to ipah, ben had a hard time holding back his feelings but at the same time, it was a happy thing that they got together to get to know each other. later mimi & ipah brought them to wdlands to visit me & the girls (D was still at work).
this night, we just got back from a dinner gathering (at balithai@novena velocity) with ben & his parents, ipah, mimi, mum, ati, D, is, the girls & myself...it was actually a happy moment, we had a good time together. only ironic that sulas was the missing link (the link that brought both our families together). i really felt more at peace after meeting ben yesterday too...and even more so now.
they are flying back to perth tomorrow afternoon. i am happy that both our families have gotten this close. it is very comforting. a sort of closure.
tomorrow & sunday, we will have a busy day ahead. mavis & her brood will come over to visit, then i will need to start making the cakes for mimi's engagement on sunday. it will be a happy event. we are nothing but happy & excited for him.
p.s. i have accepted sulas' passing & will keep all the good memories in my heart...it's the only right thing to do, to let go...
Coping with loss
i found this article & have decided to put it up here to remind myself & hopefully it would also help my siblings & other people who may have experienced their own loss too:
Coping with lossThe loss of a loved one is life’s most stressful event and can cause a major emotional crisis. After the death of someone you love, you experience bereavement, which literally means “to be deprived by death.”
Knowing What to ExpectWhen a death takes place, you may experience a wide range of emotions, even when the death is expected. Many people report feeling an initial stage of numbness after first learning of a death, but there is no real order to the grieving process.
Some emotions you may experience include:
Denial
Disbelief
Confusion
Shock
Sadness
Yearning
Anger
Humiliation
Despair
Guilt
These feelings are normal and common reactions to loss. You may not be prepared for the intensity and duration of your emotions or how swiftly your moods may change. You may even begin to doubt the stability of your mental health. But be assured that these feelings are healthy and appropriate and will help you come to terms with your loss.
Remember — It takes time to fully absorb the impact of a major loss. You never stop missing your loved one, but the pain eases after time and allows you to go on with your life. (Included in a call out box)
Mourning A Loved One It is not easy to cope after a loved one dies. You will mourn and grieve. Mourning is the natural process you go through to accept a major loss. Mourning may include religious traditions honoring the dead or gathering with friends and family to share your loss. Mourning is personal and may last months or years.
Grieving is the outward expression of your loss. Your grief is likely to be expressed physically, emotionally, and psychologically. For instance, crying is a physical expression, while depression is a psychological expression.
It is very important to allow yourself to express these feelings. Often, death is a subject that is avoided, ignored or denied. At first it may seem helpful to separate yourself from the pain, but you cannot avoid grieving forever. Someday those feelings will need to be resolved or they may cause physical or emotional illness.
Many people report physical symptoms that accompany grief. Stomach pain, loss of appetite, intestinal upsets, sleep disturbances and loss of energy are all common symptoms of acute grief. Of all life’s stresses, mourning can seriously test your natural defense systems. Existing illnesses may worsen or new conditions may develop.
Profound emotional reactions may occur. These reactions include anxiety attacks, chronic fatigue, depression and thoughts of suicide. An obsession with the deceased is also a common reaction to death.
Dealing with a Major Loss The death of a loved one is always difficult. Your reactions are influenced by the circumstances of a death, particularly when it is sudden or accidental. Your reactions are also influenced by your relationship with the person who died.
A child’s death arouses an overwhelming sense of injustice — for lost potential, unfulfilled dreams and senseless suffering. Parents may feel responsible for the child’s death, no matter how irrational that may seem. Parents may also feel that they have lost a vital part of their own identity.
A spouse’s death is very traumatic. In addition to the severe emotional shock, the death may cause a potential financial crisis if the spouse was the family’s main income source. The death may necessitate major social adjustments requiring the surviving spouse to parent alone, adjust to single life and maybe even return to work.
Elderly people may be especially vulnerable when they lose a spouse because it means losing a lifetime of shared experiences. At this time, feelings of loneliness may be compounded by the death of close friends.
A loss due to suicide can be among the most difficult losses to bear. They may leave the survivors with a tremendous burden of guilt, anger and shame. Survivors may even feel responsible for the death. Seeking counseling during the first weeks after the suicide is particularly beneficial and advisable.
Living with GriefCoping with death is vital to your mental health. It is only natural to experience grief when a loved one dies. The best thing you can do is allow yourself to grieve. There are many ways to cope effectively with your pain.
Seek out caring people.
Find relatives and friends who can understand your feelings of loss. Join support groups with others who are experiencing similar losses.
Express your feelings.
Tell others how you are feeling; it will help you to work through the grieving process.
Take care of your health.
Maintain regular contact with your family physician and be sure to eat well and get plenty of rest. Be aware of the danger of developing a dependence on medication or alcohol to deal with your grief.
Accept that life is for the living.
It takes effort to begin to live again in the present and not dwell on the past.
Postpone major life changes. Try to hold off on making any major changes, such as moving, remarrying, changing jobs or having another child. You should give yourself time to adjust to your loss.
Be patient.
It can take months or even years to absorb a major loss and accept your changed life.
Seek outside help when necessary.
If your grief seems like it is too much to bear, seek professional assistance to help work through your grief. It’s a sign of strength, not weakness, to seek help.
Helping Others Grieve
If someone you care about has lost a loved one, you can help them through the grieving process.
Share the sorrow. Allow them — even encourage them — to talk about their feelings of loss and share memories of the deceased.
Don’t offer false comfort. It doesn’t help the grieving person when you say “it was for the best” or “you’ll get over it in time.” Instead, offer a simple expression of sorrow and take time to listen.
Offer practical help. Baby-sitting, cooking and running errands are all ways to help someone who is in the midst of grieving.
Be patient. Remember that it can take a long time to recover from a major loss. Make yourself available to talk.
Encourage professional help when necessary. Don’t hesitate to recommend professional help when you feel someone is experiencing too much pain to cope alone.
Helping Children Grieve
Children who experience a major loss may grieve differently than adults. A parent’s death can be particularly difficult for small children, affecting their sense of security or survival. Often, they are confused about the changes they see taking place around them, particularly if well-meaning adults try to protect them from the truth or from their surviving parent’s display of grief.
Limited understanding and an inability to express feelings puts very young children at a special disadvantage. Young children may revert to earlier behaviors (such as bed-wetting), ask questions about the deceased that seem insensitive, invent games about dying or pretend that the death never happened.
Coping with a child’s grief puts added strain on a bereaved parent. However, angry outbursts or criticism only deepen a child’s anxiety and delays recovery. Instead, talk honestly with children, in terms they can understand. Take extra time to talk with them about death and the person who has died. Help them work through their feelings and remember that they are looking to adults for suitable behavior.
Looking to the FutureRemember, with support, patience and effort, you will survive grief. Some day the pain will lessen, leaving you with cherished memories of your loved one.
From the National Association of Mental Health http://www.nmha.org/infoctr/factsheets/42.cfm
taken from: http://www.ccmentalhealth.org/more_information/coping_with_loss.htm
looming depression...trying not to be depressed
it has been 1 week & 1 day since she's gone.
it helps to know that we are not alone, coping with sulas' sudden death. i trawled the internet & there are actually support groups to help people cope with a sudden loss of a loved one. and from one that i've read, i could totally relate to what has been said...he (one guy lost his sister & had a hard time coping) actually described how everyone told him things will get better with time but instead he found himself to be numb with time...& things didn't get better simply because he couldn't let go & was not up to the grieving process.
speaking to my family & relatives, i know we have to let her go, in order for her to find peace also. her spirit will be with us till the 40th day & i know i mustn't be afraid...like ipah said, she is just my sister.
really hope my late sis sulas' soul can find her way to peace. amin.
p.s. i find myself getting carried away with my thoughts sometimes, just staring into space. my brain has also been very muddled eversince...and can't sleep properly at night...
bittersweet milestone
shirin has taken her first few unaided steps last saturday, 4th july 2009, 2 days short of her 11th month, while she was surrounded by me, her mummy, her daddy, her uncle mimi, aunty ipah, her nenek & is, while we were at hougang. bittersweet of course because arwah sulas couldn't witness it...she must have been so happy & proud if she was around...the most steps recorded was about 8steps before she'd fall down.
today, shirin turns 11months & it's 1 week since sulas has passed. may her soul rest in peace.
